I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Randomize
