M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
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