You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Randomize
