Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Randomize
