I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
