Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
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