Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
Randomize
