2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
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