Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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