I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
She bit a glass in half.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
