im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
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