the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
He told me they were just razor bumps!
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
Randomize
