I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
Randomize
