Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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