I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
