You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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