Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
I've never seen a kid turn down a sure thing for a possible handy by a freshmen. You need to re-evaluate.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
I could fuck to npr.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Randomize
