Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
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