i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
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