the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
