I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
