I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
Randomize
