I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Randomize
