On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Randomize
