I met the friendliest cop last night
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
You were trust falling into bushes
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
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