he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
Randomize
