my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
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How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
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Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
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