ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Randomize
