I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
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