I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
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I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
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I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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