I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Randomize
