u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
Randomize
