Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
