I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
Randomize
