I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
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