She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
i think i just naturally attract stoners
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
