I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
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