Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Randomize
