I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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