my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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