There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
