What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
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