i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
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