Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
Your topless pictures make me question reality
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
Randomize
