4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
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