is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
He literally asked permission to hit on me
Randomize
