she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
