happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
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