If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
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