you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Randomize