from now on my penis is your penis
tell your sister to shave her snatch
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
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