The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
