God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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