Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
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