two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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