thus making me awesome and them whores
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Randomize
