Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
